Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

mmmm...


1.  Why am I still in SL?
2.  How blessed I am to have my daddy
3.  How much i miss my old family..(my kids)
4.  How boring SL is on my adult avi when not "partnered" with someone
5.  wonders how much RL money I have spent in SL
6.  ummm what can I buy tonight?  lol
7.  What trouble can I get into tonight with out getting grounded!! :p

Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart.

8 ways to win my heart...mmm good questions.  Not something I think about often but good to go through and give it a little thought


1.  The most important for me is honesty and trust.  With out those we would have nothing.  Even if you think it will hurt me, honesty is always the best policy.


2.  I don't need to be told all the time that I look nice or beautiful but sometimes those accolades are nice to hear from someone special.  Don't take for granted that I know that's what you think.


3.  Communication goes along with the top two.  We don't need to talk 24/7 but we need to talk, about nothing, about everything and about problems.  I want to be there for you 100% and hope you are there for me the same


4.  Embrace what i do in my SL.  I love kid avi's, i love being a mom, aunt, sister and daughter.  If you can't accept that then you can't have my heart.a


5.  Understand that I have insecurities that may or may not touch on the relationship we are having.  Sometimes I will need a shoulder or praise or understanding not being talked at or told my insecurities are "stupid"


6.  Love to cuddle, hold hands, hug, kiss and so on.  I love PDA's especially spontaneous. 


7.  Romance....even if its a quiet night at home, with a movie and cuddled in a blanket or even something more creative.  I'm not picky! :p  Just try and be romantic.


8.  Lastly, accept me for me, insecurities, bitchiness, my body shape, my family and so on.  I won't change for anyone.  I may adjust how I handle things or how I communicate but I don't want to change completely just to find love.  Love me and all that entail, good, bad or evil! :p

Day 2: Nine things about yourself.

Ok so I'm not exactly going exactly one day after the other..lol  but here goes Day 2
About me:


1.  Like many, I'm slightly addicted to SL and can't seem to walk away.lol even after 6 years
2.  If pushed enough I'm a really big bitch and vindictive.  
3.  When I love, I love completely, when I trust I trust completely, but if you break that trust, I'm done with you
4.  I'm loyal to those that are loyal to me
5.  I'm extremely insecure about my looks, body shape
6.  I loved being a mom in SL, it was the closest thing to being a mom that I could be since I have no kids in RL and non in my future
7.  There are times in my SL that I have done things that people would be disappointed in but its my sl and what i do is really my business
8.  I don't do well with people telling me who I should be or shouldn't be friends with
9.  I'm either your best friend or your worst enemy. I let you choose. 


There you have it!  

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

I think this going to be easy.  

1. Daddy (Coleman Ansar) – You were the best thing that ever happened to me in SL.  We’ve been together for over 2 years and you’re the one thing that keeps me in Sl.  I love you daddy with all my heart and I’m soo happy to have you for my daddy!
   
2. Lyric:  Girl, you are not just my sister in SL but my friend in RL.  I adore you!  You are simply one of the best friends a girl could have.  You always say it like it is and always have my back.  You stood by me when everyone else walked away.  For that I am forever grateful.  I love you sissy.
   
3.  Kaity- We’ve been sissy’s for over 2 years.  Gosh and I love you more now than I did when we first became sissys.  We may not always talk, but you know that I always got your back and I always love you.
   
4. Dolly – My Princess, my daughtergoddaugthercousinniece…We’ve always managed to be a part of each others lives.  You are so special to me and I love you so much!  You will always be my Princess.  I love you!
   
5. Maddy -  You are my peanut!!!!!   I love everything about you even your people eating zombies :p
   
6. Sturm – My friend, my confident.  You never let me down and you are always there for me no matter what happens.  I simply adore you and I’m proud to call you my best friend.
   
7. Nova – your no longer in game but you took a piece of my heart with you.  You should me a side of SL that I was afraid of and I fell in love with it.  You brought me joy, happiness and helped me open my heart again.  Even though its been a long time since we’ve been together in sl and out, you will always be cherished in my heart.
   
8. Kia – Mine Kia.  You stood by me when everyone walked away, you comforted, you took care of me and till this day still call me mama.  You have the most beautiful heart and soul and I’m forever grateful you are not just my friend and daughter in Sl but my friend in RL.  I love you mine Kia!!!
   
9. Ashlin – It’s been a long time since you called me mom but I couldn’t go another day without saying I miss you, your snark and your big heart.   You were dear to me even if I didn’t value it at the time.  Not a day goes by that I don’t miss our old family.
   
10. To those that I have hurt in sl, I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart for any hurt I have caused.  

10 Day Writing Project..

10 Day Writing Project..

So a friend of mine did this and I thought it might be fun since I have been really behind on my blogging. Hell who am I kidding, I've had major writing block and I hate that! So I thought it might be fun to this for a 10 days or how ever long it takes me! :)

Day 1: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day 2: Nine things about yourself.

Day 3: Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5: Six things you wish you’d never done.

Day 6: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day 7: Four turn offs

Day 8: Three turn ons

Day 9: Two images that describe your life right now and why.

Day 10: One confession

Forgiveness, Healing and Moving on

The last few months have been quite a change for me in Second Life.  I had this idea of what I liked and didn’t like.  Idea of what I wanted my SL life to be and then BAM in an SL second it’s destroyed.  Of course as I’ve blogged in the past having a serial alt player for a partner kind of destroys a lot when you think you’ve found a great match for you in SL and then realize it’s what he wants you to think.  I considered saying good bye to SL forever.  I am able to talk to those that are important to me outside of SL and have a tendency to talk to them more on yahoo or plurk then I do in world in general but I had put in almost 4 years of my life into SL and I didn’t want to quite give up because someone decided to having 4 wives instead of 1.  I won’t let someone or anyone run me out of SL and no one should.   I was thinking about what to write in this blog then I had a great conversation with my peanut Madelyn Seetan.  She always makes me smile and made me realize a few things.

While I don’t know that I can forget how wrong I was treated I think I can forgive.  I was really upset about the way he treated me in those 48 hours, like I never meant anything at all, even as a friend, that I could be thrown away like a piece of trash who didn’t put in time in SL with him, that defended him and risked some very special relationships because of him.  I still to this day feel like I never truly got a sincere apology from him and I think that’s what hurts the most.  While I am not always vindictive I felt that way for a long time and when I finally let that go, I realized that I wished him no harm and hoped that whatever he was looking for in SL he found.

 

With that, I started playing my lil avi alt again and it turned into something I hadn’t expected but even that had some changes and slight drama to deal with before I had settled into this new role I had found.

Jewelbella was originated back in December of 06, with the help of an amazing friend of 4years in SL Babydoll Stardust.  She helped me learn the ropes of being a child avi and while I wasn’t playing her often (my adult avi was where my life, my kids and the majority of my relationships were) I did love the idea of being a kid.  I have nothing in RL that I want to relive in SL as a child.  I had a wonderful childhood with two very loving parents.  But playing a child in SL is so different then ever being a child in RL. So in August I began playing Jewelbella “Bella” Devinna pretty regularly. 

I began rebuilding my relationship with my Daddy Coleman Ansar.  We had some interference with our relationship, silliness to be exact but I’m glad the truth came out and I’ve once again been deemed “Daddy’s girl”.    Sadly my relationship with my then mom came to an abrupt end when she preferred to live in a world of drama then actually try and build a better relationship with me.  I mean I can only take so much “your daddy’s an ass and he’s going to hurt you.” So much right?  But with that, I gained the most amazing Momma Livvy Fhang.  She started as someone I trusted, loved to be around and just a really good friend and turned into something so much more special.  For the first time in SL I had found two amazing parents who never ever forget about me, always think about me and never leave me out of anything.  There is nothing more special then to get off lines when they miss you or for them to just want to spend time with you. (oh and I got a new sissy Skylia just yesterday so not enough time to blog or get a picture yet..)

I have an amazing Sissy Kaity whom I love so much, she brings with her My Aunti Loraine and my cousingoddaugtherexdaughter Candii.  I have an amazing Grampa Angel and Aunti Beth.  I am fortunate to never have lost Dolly, Maddy, my beautiful Daughter Kia, hubby Naith, my sunshine Mabel and my beautiful Rose.  They stood by me when all seemed to have failed. I am forever grateful for all their love and support and can’t imagine a day in this life without them. 

Life is good today, life is always great when you let go of the negative, let go of the hurt and forgive.  When one door closes you never know when another will open and when it does you could find the most amazing experiences.  I’m so glad I opened the next door.  It’s been completely and utterly amazing. 

<3 

Changes...

As of Sept 26^th I will have been with my SL dad Coleman Ansar for a year.  When I joined the Ansar family, it was with a mom and dad and a variety of sisters, brothers that have come and gone.  Some of which I have kept close to my heart, others that I let go due to some drama or other. 

Yesterday my then mom “let me go”.  Differences, distance and a disconnect that was completely cut from past choices we had both made.  Life wasn’t moving forward as we had hoped, it had actually taken a step forward then 3 back, then another up and another 4 back.  She may never believe that I really loved her and respected her but the last 12 months have been tough going and yesterday a decision was made to part ways.  Sadly it wasn’t made in a good way atleast on my part and I’m now fairly upset about things that have been said and done.  Its amazing what you find out after the fact.  The stories I didn’t want to believe a year ago, resurrecting, the stuff that has been said since.  Changes how things are look upon today. 

What it has shown me is that not all SL relationships are meant to be, that when push comes to shove ALWAYS follow your gut.  If you get a bad feeling about something, follow it, see whats its about.  If you don’t atleast check, your going to waste a year of your life and realize that wow, my gut was telling me something. 

Now I don’t think the last year was  a complete waste.  I fixed the relationship with my dad that I thought had gone bad.  Gone bad because I was being fed stuff that wasn’t exactly truth.  Thankfully I’m generally a person that confronts the problem so I did with my Dad and we worked on our relationship and he has been there unconditionally from that point on. 

I’m greatful for the family, the friends and the people I have met.  I think all experiences in SL make you a better person and it helps you realize exactly what it is that you want or don’t want in Second life.  I mean it is suppose to be a place where you can see and do the things you can’t do in RL.  Its about creating a place where you can escape the real world for a little while and meet people from around the world.  While I know drama exists as long as you are speaking to other human beings, it doesn’t mean that you have to remain in relationships that consistently revolve in it. 

To everyone who has stood behind me always, I love you and cherish you. To those that have come and gone.  I wish you all the best, I don’t wish you negative stuff (ok that may not always be true, but wow I must really dislike you to feel that much animosity towards you), I just hope you find what ever it is that will make you happy.