Forgiveness, Healing and Moving on

The last few months have been quite a change for me in Second Life.  I had this idea of what I liked and didn’t like.  Idea of what I wanted my SL life to be and then BAM in an SL second it’s destroyed.  Of course as I’ve blogged in the past having a serial alt player for a partner kind of destroys a lot when you think you’ve found a great match for you in SL and then realize it’s what he wants you to think.  I considered saying good bye to SL forever.  I am able to talk to those that are important to me outside of SL and have a tendency to talk to them more on yahoo or plurk then I do in world in general but I had put in almost 4 years of my life into SL and I didn’t want to quite give up because someone decided to having 4 wives instead of 1.  I won’t let someone or anyone run me out of SL and no one should.   I was thinking about what to write in this blog then I had a great conversation with my peanut Madelyn Seetan.  She always makes me smile and made me realize a few things.

While I don’t know that I can forget how wrong I was treated I think I can forgive.  I was really upset about the way he treated me in those 48 hours, like I never meant anything at all, even as a friend, that I could be thrown away like a piece of trash who didn’t put in time in SL with him, that defended him and risked some very special relationships because of him.  I still to this day feel like I never truly got a sincere apology from him and I think that’s what hurts the most.  While I am not always vindictive I felt that way for a long time and when I finally let that go, I realized that I wished him no harm and hoped that whatever he was looking for in SL he found.

 

With that, I started playing my lil avi alt again and it turned into something I hadn’t expected but even that had some changes and slight drama to deal with before I had settled into this new role I had found.

Jewelbella was originated back in December of 06, with the help of an amazing friend of 4years in SL Babydoll Stardust.  She helped me learn the ropes of being a child avi and while I wasn’t playing her often (my adult avi was where my life, my kids and the majority of my relationships were) I did love the idea of being a kid.  I have nothing in RL that I want to relive in SL as a child.  I had a wonderful childhood with two very loving parents.  But playing a child in SL is so different then ever being a child in RL. So in August I began playing Jewelbella “Bella” Devinna pretty regularly. 

I began rebuilding my relationship with my Daddy Coleman Ansar.  We had some interference with our relationship, silliness to be exact but I’m glad the truth came out and I’ve once again been deemed “Daddy’s girl”.    Sadly my relationship with my then mom came to an abrupt end when she preferred to live in a world of drama then actually try and build a better relationship with me.  I mean I can only take so much “your daddy’s an ass and he’s going to hurt you.” So much right?  But with that, I gained the most amazing Momma Livvy Fhang.  She started as someone I trusted, loved to be around and just a really good friend and turned into something so much more special.  For the first time in SL I had found two amazing parents who never ever forget about me, always think about me and never leave me out of anything.  There is nothing more special then to get off lines when they miss you or for them to just want to spend time with you. (oh and I got a new sissy Skylia just yesterday so not enough time to blog or get a picture yet..)

I have an amazing Sissy Kaity whom I love so much, she brings with her My Aunti Loraine and my cousingoddaugtherexdaughter Candii.  I have an amazing Grampa Angel and Aunti Beth.  I am fortunate to never have lost Dolly, Maddy, my beautiful Daughter Kia, hubby Naith, my sunshine Mabel and my beautiful Rose.  They stood by me when all seemed to have failed. I am forever grateful for all their love and support and can’t imagine a day in this life without them. 

Life is good today, life is always great when you let go of the negative, let go of the hurt and forgive.  When one door closes you never know when another will open and when it does you could find the most amazing experiences.  I’m so glad I opened the next door.  It’s been completely and utterly amazing. 

<3 

Changes...

As of Sept 26^th I will have been with my SL dad Coleman Ansar for a year.  When I joined the Ansar family, it was with a mom and dad and a variety of sisters, brothers that have come and gone.  Some of which I have kept close to my heart, others that I let go due to some drama or other. 

Yesterday my then mom “let me go”.  Differences, distance and a disconnect that was completely cut from past choices we had both made.  Life wasn’t moving forward as we had hoped, it had actually taken a step forward then 3 back, then another up and another 4 back.  She may never believe that I really loved her and respected her but the last 12 months have been tough going and yesterday a decision was made to part ways.  Sadly it wasn’t made in a good way atleast on my part and I’m now fairly upset about things that have been said and done.  Its amazing what you find out after the fact.  The stories I didn’t want to believe a year ago, resurrecting, the stuff that has been said since.  Changes how things are look upon today. 

What it has shown me is that not all SL relationships are meant to be, that when push comes to shove ALWAYS follow your gut.  If you get a bad feeling about something, follow it, see whats its about.  If you don’t atleast check, your going to waste a year of your life and realize that wow, my gut was telling me something. 

Now I don’t think the last year was  a complete waste.  I fixed the relationship with my dad that I thought had gone bad.  Gone bad because I was being fed stuff that wasn’t exactly truth.  Thankfully I’m generally a person that confronts the problem so I did with my Dad and we worked on our relationship and he has been there unconditionally from that point on. 

I’m greatful for the family, the friends and the people I have met.  I think all experiences in SL make you a better person and it helps you realize exactly what it is that you want or don’t want in Second life.  I mean it is suppose to be a place where you can see and do the things you can’t do in RL.  Its about creating a place where you can escape the real world for a little while and meet people from around the world.  While I know drama exists as long as you are speaking to other human beings, it doesn’t mean that you have to remain in relationships that consistently revolve in it. 

To everyone who has stood behind me always, I love you and cherish you. To those that have come and gone.  I wish you all the best, I don’t wish you negative stuff (ok that may not always be true, but wow I must really dislike you to feel that much animosity towards you), I just hope you find what ever it is that will make you happy.

Serial Alts, partners and families......

What a morning Saturday, July 24th turned out to be.  Woke up at 4am to use the restroom, looked at my phone and noticed that I had emails.  Because I’m addicted to technology I looked at my email and saw a bunch offlines from people I didn’t know and then one from  my fiance/partner.  Saying..”Lees I’m leaving SL and people are after me and most of what they say is the truth.  I’m sorry”  Of course this sets my mind into a frenzy and I get up and log in to sl to find out WTF. 

Wow did I find out what the f*&K!  Jacksonj Greggan my fiancee is also Jackson Volotenko, Xerian Riaxik, Jorge Sabahi (his kid avi), Speedy Gustafson and we also suspect he is Santirix Avedon but can't prove it yet.  Not only did he have me as his partner but had 3 other wives and a slew of children.  He would have us on this tight little schedule of days and on some good days would double client so that he could be the doting father, partner and lover to everyone.  His luck turned sour when one of his partners was approached by someone who managed to tattle on him and the fact that she did some really good research leading to the rest of the wives.  Have I mentioned we found a 4^th, from Gor…seriously who has time for this kind of bs….

I spoke to the other ladies for 3 hours Saturday morning, comparing stories, background and everything else we could think of and its really sad.  The lies, the deceit, were plentiful.  How anyone could possibly keep all their stories straight is beyond me and how anyone could go out into SL and willing and deceitfully hurt other people is mindblowing. 

He hid, leaving offlines, poofing when he got caught.  While we picked up the pieces of his kids hearts as well as ours.  We wondered, we cried and tried to figure out how the hell we missed all the signs and they were plenty now that we look back on it.  He finally showed his face on one of his alts last night and I had the opportunity to lay into him.  Sadly his attitude was cold, indifferent and really as he said…”it’s a game, its easy to say what you want”.  Your right it is.

 

Needless to say I was completely floored by someone who I had known for over a year  and really did play the perfect partner.  Should have been my clue that not all is perfect right?  But because I had known him for so long I trusted.  I took a beating to be with him, destroyed my family and relationships I held dear.  Why?  So that I could be happy in SL.  Shame on me..won’t let that happen again.  My family and friends that I hurt are so much better then you are…and I regret making the decision I did. I  know for one..I’m better then you, I deserve better then you and you aren’t worth the tears that have been shed, not just by me, by your daughter Maddy or the other women you hurt. 

So fuck you Jacksonj Greggan.  Your pathetic, garbage and god help any other women (victims) you find in SL.  Gauranteed your already on to your next families.  

Stalking in SL

Have you ever wondered what possesses anyone to be so absorbed in someone else that they have to stalk them in a virtual world?  From the day I started Second Life I have heard stories after stories of men and women in SL that are stalked.  I’m not talking about profile humping, I’m talking about creating alts, following you around to the places  they know you frequent, finding out where you live, watching said place, and trying to find out who you are spending time with.  Usually this goes on after said stalker has decided that you are not worth their time and don’t want anything to do you with you or Second Life because their RL is so great.  So if your real life is so great why bother worrying about what is going on in Second Life? 

Now don’t get me wrong, we have all had our hearts broken on some level by the love of our lives in Sl or been hurt by someone.  Much like real life it happens and maybe it happens more frequently in a virtual world where you can be and do anything you want.   But does that give anyone the right to harass and stalk the one you can’t have? I’m all about profile humping; I love to see what people are up to and what they do.  Sometimes I profile hump those that are no longer in my SL but I do it with caution.  I don’t do it to harass said person, I’m just curious as to what is going on with them.  For the most part I’m happy when those no longer in my life are happy.  But I guess maybe I’m one of the few that feel that way. 

As we all know when you go looking for something you’re bound to find something you don’t like and most of us deal with it and move on.  Others send out their  Calvary to stalk, harass and find out exactly what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with and create an alt for the sole purpose of sending off lines to  people.  There is a reason why people aren’t in our lives anymore, some of that is of our own doing (and yes I’m the first to admit to some of the wrong I have committed), sometimes it’s just people growing apart and sometimes the other person is totally at fault.  But there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed much like in RL.  In RL it’s against the law to stalk and harass someone, you can be sued, arrested and actually do time for stuff like that.  Those rules don’t change when in a virtual world.  Amazing how people decide that they can do it virtually and its okay. 

What does stalking, harassing and just being plain ignorant accomplish?  It may annoy us for the moment when we find out what’s going on, it takes a little time out of our time in SL in order to copy and paste your offline to report your ass to linden and maybe a few more minutes to pass it along to friends and family to have your ass banned from anything we can get you banned from.  Although that part is kind of fun.  Sometimes, we even waste our breaths responding to you and telling you what an Asshat you are for even taking the time to create an alt, finding our names in search and typing your opinion.  Reality of it is, your RL apparently is not all that and neither is your SL if you have to entertain yourself with being just that…and ASSHAT!!! 

After almost 4 years of being a member of the Second Life Community I have had some fabulous ups and some serious downs but there is one thing I know for certain, I love my RL and nothing is that important that I have to stalk anyone in SL or RL for that matter.  There are many people in SL that I love and adore.  They are my friends in SL and RL, many I have met in person and some I haven’t.  I have had heart breaks, arguments and made some bad judgment calls that caused others hurt and pain.  But no one has the right to infringe on others lives; no one has the right to stalk someone’s home, their partners or their families.  Fact is, if you can’t handle all that comes with a virtual world then you should delete the program and forget you ever knew about SL. 

A little lesson on the TOS – Community Standards of SL.  We should all take a bit of time to read it.

All Second Life Community Standards apply to all areas of Second Life, the Second Life Forums, and the Second Life Website.

1.      Intolerance

Combating intolerance is a cornerstone of Second Life's Community Standards. Actions that marginalize, belittle, or defame individuals or groups inhibit the satisfying exchange of ideas and diminish the Second Life community as a whole. The use of derogatory or demeaning language or images in reference to another Resident's race, ethnicity, gender, religion, or sexual orientation is never allowed in Second Life.

2.     Harassment

Given the myriad capabilities of Second Life, harassment can take many forms. Communicating or behaving in a manner which is offensively coarse, intimidating or threatening, constitutes unwelcome sexual advances or requests for sexual favors, or is otherwise likely to cause annoyance or alarm is Harassment.

3.     Disclosure

Residents are entitled to a reasonable level of privacy with regard to their Second Life experience. Sharing personal information about a fellow Resident --including gender, religion, age, marital status, race, sexual preference, and real-world location beyond what is provided by the Resident in the First Life page of their Resident profile is a violation of that Resident's privacy. Remotely monitoring conversations, posting conversation logs, or sharing conversation logs without consent are all prohibited in Second Life and on the Second Life Forums.

Alternate Accounts

While Residents may choose to play Second Life with more than one account, specifically or consistently using an alternate account to harass other Residents or violate the Community Standards is not acceptable. Alternate accounts are generally treated as separate from a Resident's principal account, but misuse of alternate accounts can and will result in disciplinary action on the principal account.

Second Life’s Epic Fail = Plurk Pandemonium

So last night SL crashed harder then it has in a long time.  Once you were booted out of SL you were done for the night.  If you were fortunate enough to stay logged into SL you were either ruthed or stuck in the same clothes or just a portion of the clothes you were trying to put on when SL went completely highwire.  I haven’t seen a fail like this in SL in probably a year or so.  I know for me I couldn’t even get online to the website so I knew even remotely trying to log inworld was a complete Fail!  You would think that Linden would have figured out how to keep their grid stable but after almost 4 years I shouldn’t expect to  much! lol

The funny thing is that we all blew up Plurk.  Our home away from home.  It turned into pure comedy in my opinion with silly posts about SL, about peen and just talking to people we may  not talk to in world.  Plurk, our SL version of Facebook has become for some of us a part of our Second Lives and a daily place to vent, meet new people and advertise our new products.  A great place for designers to market their stores.  I know for me, I have found some new places to feed my shopping obsession in SL. 

Plurk has also been home to drama, attacking and well continuation of cliques.  While we all have a small clique we talk to or hang out with.  While I sometimes am guilty of sitting back and keeping up on a drama plurk for pure comedy I have also seen people being ripped to shreds for no reason other then people just being their usual selves, bully’s.  They do it inworld and they do it outside of it. 

I know I have contributed to some of the drama on plurk by venting my frustrations with SL or relationships in SL.  Have even deleted some that I posted due to reacting before thinking.  Interestingly enough, just like SL plurks get copied and sent around just like im’s.  Its classic SL even in plurk.  Makes me giggle that people think your plurk is so important that they have to copy and paste it to send it to others!   I’m glad that my plurks can be so important sometimes.  Yes I am being sarcastic and I’ve been called out on some of my plurks and I can and will defend myself to anyone.  But I won’t tolerate being harrassed in SL or on Plurk as no one should. 

All in all I think people enjoy plurk for what it is.  Entertainment at its best, meeting of new people, venting and support  and just like last night a place for peen.  (yes we saw a lot of that last night on plurk). 

So thank you to my plurk friends who entertained me last night while we all tried and tried to log into SL, your plurks made me giggle and I’m thankful to those that started out as plurk friends that have turned into inworld friends as well.

 

Let’s hope that SL will be stable tonight. 

Just remember:  Do onto others as you would wish them do onto you."  Just sayin! 

Fath Ugly Bitch (or Whaley Leesey)

So recently I was called a Fat, Ugly, Bitch. Some may take that offensively and I, well here are my thoughts on that.

1. I never said I wasn’t fat. But I’m in the process of making that change.
2. Bitch? I never said I wasn’t and honestly will be the first one to tell you that I am.
3. Ugly? To be honest I don’t think I’m ugly at all.

Ugly is the attitude in which I was told these things. Ugly is the fact that the person who called me these names had to hide behind an anonymous screen name. Said person usually does this on a regular basis. Anyone that has to tear someone down so that they can feel empowered or strong is nothing but pathetic. It’s that kind of ugly attitude that makes people feel nothing for you.

So you may feel those things for me but heres the thing. I can change my weight, I can even be less bitchy if I so choose but you will always have the ugliest attitude and be surrounded by complete negativity. No one wants to be around that kind of ugly.

So hate me, dislike me or whatever. I rightly don’t care, what remorse, guilt I had has been diminished by the childishness that has gone on over the last few months. Enjoy your life and move on like the rest of us.

p.s.  

Yes I know you read it...and I'm sure I'll have an offline from some random alt...But that just proves my point here doesn't it. 

Relationships are like glass. 

Sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to

hurt yourself putting it back together" 

                                                   Author Unknown

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE

To let go does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for, but to care about.To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

Remember: The time to love is short

Changes

It’s no surprise that as you live your life in Second Life changes happen on a regular basis.  If you’re lucky enough to have found a group of people whether they are family or friends in your SL that stick by you always, then you’ve been blessed by the SL Gods.  Sadly though more often we find ourselves embroiled in drama, bullshit and just pure craziness.  Hopefully many of us have learned to cut the ties and move forward without it diminishing our enjoyment of SL. 

Going into my 4^th year in Second Life I have found a little of everything.  I do have a strong base of family and friends who I love and adore.  It’s taken me quite awhile to get there but they are truly the most amazing people with the biggest hearts.  Even back in the beginning I ran into my own drama, of my own making and learned to deal with it.  I’ve lost friends who left SL or we just lost touch, I’ve had kids that have left for many reasons and I truly hope they are happy and I have had to walk away and say enough is enough.  For all those reasons life in SL continues, some days are better than others but in the end I know that I have done the best with what I’m given and who I am. 

I learned early on that passing judgment on things I do not understand is wrong.  How can I tell someone that what they are doing is wrong?  (Unless of course it’s illegal, pedophilia)  I have no right to tell anyone how to live their life, what they should do and if it’s wrong or not.  Second life to some is about living out a fantasy, a social network, reliving a childhood that maybe you were lacking and sometimes it helps fill the void that you may have in real life.  Sometimes you find love that is forever, sometimes it’s just for the moment and sometimes it causes heart break.  All you can do is pick yourself up and move forward living your life honestly and happily. 

Change happens when you least expect, as do changes in relationships.  When a friendship is lost for whatever reason it doesn’t mean that you’re not thought of often, it’s just that the time had come for the relationship to end.  In the 3 ½ years in SL I do not hate anyone even those that thought name calling and bullying were the right response.  I feel bad for those that think that is the only way to get their point across but that’s it.  As I move along in my life my priorities are simple, live, laugh and love.  There are those that love me regardless of my mistakes, those that accept me for who I am, good and bad.  I love them with the same unconditional candor.  No one is perfect and no one should have to live up to the rules and judgments of others. 

We are all in SL for a reason, yours may be different then mine but in the end, there was something in our RL that had us join a virtual world and stay with it.  How you or I play it, is simply our right, our decision and no one has the right to judge you for it.